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lydney cannon festival


Image by LHG Creative Photography
It was free, and just as well.

The lydney fire festival was irrefutably dreadful in its presentation, late, unentertaining except for its production failures and awful generally, but full credit goes to the teenager who built this sculpture, a good 18 feet tall, as a sacrifice to the flames in this festival time. For a young man , no doubt with some help the sculpture was an amazing effort and I hope the HDR has done it justice, but unfortunately the people aimlessly milling around it made making the composite extremely difficult.

This sculpture and its consequent burning however was as good as things got. This good effort was unfortunately overshadowed by the total incompetance of those attempting to perform around it.

The choice of object to burn however seemed obscure, being what appeared to be the sort of assault cannon that Suleiman the Magnificent would have used on high walls during sieges far east, and a more pagan symbolism would perhaps have lent a good deal more charm to the occassion. Last years Boar for example would perhaps have been more on the money. This is not intended to stifle originality, but when going out on a limb surely one must be reasonably convinced of pulling the idea off. Perhaps had the performance been better, the idea would have succeeded.

Though precisely what purpose burning a stack of wood large enough to keep a colony of old dears in fuel for all winter serves is beyond me anyway. It seems a strange sort of air polluting celebration to encourage when the surrounding trade park is home to quaint home craft and green pursuits. Especially as in a single stroke they pretty much annihilated the eco benefits of the last 6 months recycling, grass eating, or whatever for the entire congregation.

A few shabby tents with face painting (though this was expertly done with many children sporting excellent paintwork) and overpriced novelty hippy food were all that were intended to keep kids happy until from 6pm to 10pm when they finally decided to light the fire and burn the damn thing. Its an event to miss unless you were so depressed about going not out you were prepared to slit your wrists if you didn’t.

The band was about as palateable as liquid diahorrea, being a vocally untalented mob of jazz pretenders who’s onstage performance can only be described as an embarrasing dirge designed to skillfully avoid the audio tastebuds of just about everyone present, young and old alike. The music, both band, and the pre-emptive soundtrack of cheap almost zx-spectrum computer game quality rave music forced through spent speakers at an ear splitting pitch, (presumably set up by someone with already seriously damaged eardrums) completely destroyed any potential atmosphere of joy there could possibly have been. The end of session guitar solo probably made a few children cry or have to leave. It would have offended half deaf heavy rock lovers for its lack of technical skill and its ear splitting pitch could have killed a dog half a mile away. Not the most exciting prospect for some, but a simple folk band would have been more befitting.

Next time guys, hire an event manager. No really, for god sake hire an events manager. If the failing fireworks, and the musical offensive don’t kill someone, the sheer boredom will. The most sincere laughter heard that day were the chortles of derision, offered only as a relief to the tedium, and it was reassurring to hear the sarcastic chants of children counting down from five repeatedly to mock the efforts of the firework organisation. When they arrived, they were pitiful.

Other heartwarmingly logical chants from the children (of an average age of 6 years old) included "kill yourself, i’ll pay for the funeral" and "please just die". children are indeed honest critics it seems, and quite capable of voicing the fact that they are not open to being fed such excreta.

If they were the marker for the nights entertainment , and the lowest common denominator to appeal to (which inevitably they are) then the event can truly be said to be an abject failure, to the point that unless serious improvements are made, they’d best not bother next year. Seriously, almost everyone there would rather have watched telly or gone to the pub. I wasted what could have been a good days shooting in the countryside and nothing could possess me to return next year. Those who did enjoy the event must be either be simple or plain drunk. Granted, both groups were much in evidence, though presumably they will be the only parties willing to go back for more next year.

Two idiots riding around on bicycles with fireworks attached did not a display make, unless it was intended to look uniquely foolish. The firing someone out of a cannon act was ruined by it taking an eternity, the fireworks not firing, and the said person running across the field in a black blanket, clearly visible to all.

You wouldnt think it would be hard to set light to a large dry and entirely flammable wooden sculture, but apparently they were struggling until a firework managed to do the job for them. During this wait during an already late start (of several hours) the compere for the evening spoke all of 30 words, the rest of the silence filled by chants from the crowd and embarrasing bouts of apparent inactivity. In this neck of the woods, lighting a fuse requires special education classes. For the time it took, I assume they asked for govt assistance, or ordered a match off ebay.

A comedy of errors, and TBH , I resented paying the £2 voluntary parking, particularly as the field was rutted enough to damage cars and the stubble left in the field could easily have caused a fire on contact with a warm catalytic converter. Being governed by someone who had no awareness that parking cars 1 foot apart and practically to the inch would not only have taken a landrover, but also left people unable to leave their vehicles in no way added to the enjoyment. Add to that a nearby landowner of the territorial kind, and on the whole, one could easily leave lydney thinking it was a town populated by those who should be receiving care in the community in an entirely unamusing way.

We don’t expect miracles for nothing, but by any standard it was a poor days entertainment, and frankly I should have taken photos of the surrounding countryside in the nice evening light instead. A waste of a day, at best. If entertaining lunacy is your thing, stick to watching the cheese and fame hungry nutters break limbs at Coopers hill. Its more entertaining by a factor of a thousand.

There have been many good entertainments in gloucestershire this year, and in retrospect it wasnt worth travelling further in search of entertainment. This event made me cherish the relative professionalism of almost every other event I have been to this year.

Overall I feel sorry for those who may have planned the event, the concept may well have been good and led to some entertaining events had those involved actually lent any genuine effort or thought, perhaps even a modicum of technical skill to its completion. I assume some talented young person was let down very badly and went home very disappointed. Lets hope they arent discouraged from trying again but choosing their colleagues more wisely next time.

Perhaps someone with some organisational skill could supervise rather better to fully realise the hopes and dreams that went into the effort for the enjoyment and sense of acheivement for all. This event needs support in a more solid and genuine way. It could have been good, even on the shoestring. I sense aid and commitment was lacking .

When encouraging young talents, it does not do to be half hearted about it. Opportunities are only real opportunities when people offer proper aid and commitment, be it charitable, educational, or in support of the less able and the young. Lets hope the community rally round a bit harder next year. To achieve so much and then to leave it to fall apart seems an odd level of commitment to me. It takes much more to create something that will catch on, or indeed to preserve a tradition, old or new. This event needs to be treated with love, and then it could fulfil its purpose and more besides. I almost admire the ambition in the concept I saw at the event, but unfortunately like so many things ambitious, it outstripped resource and consequently fell flat.

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